Phone Battle XVI

Phone Battle XVI

By Alex Witherow, Account Manager, D.C.

The door is closed. Strange, loud noises are coming from within. What is this brute that is being battled from the depths of Fusion DC’s office? Screaming ensues from behind the white walls. The beasts of INC? The ten-headed hydras of Red Herring, the ill-tempered swine of Computerworld – Alex Witherow straps on his phone headset of valor, takes up his pen and paper of pitching persuasion, and goes to war.

“PHONE BATTLE!” Cries Alex as the door slams shut. The warrior steps into his chamber and prepares for the monsters that await him.

“Oh no, here he goes again,” bemoans Suzanne. She walks over to Lauren’s office. “He is so loud in there!”

Pools of sweat amass on his desk. Windows are fogged. Newly bought Office Depot supplies fly against the wall. Sounds of grunting and groaning seep under the door as he pounds through his media list – the warrior is in the heat of battle.

“Damn you, John BusinessWeek! This announcement is INTERESTING! Aaaaggh!”

Nick emerges from his office.

“What is going on in there?? Is he alright?” A crowd of concerned Fusionites come together in the main hallway. They can only look on towards the den as Daniel faces his lions.

Bob insouciantly rolls out of his office to the coffee machine in his casual gait. Crash! A loud noise comes from the battle arena.

“Oh, is Alex pitching again?” he questions the group. He pours his cup and saunters back to his office. But it has only just begun.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT M.I.M.O. IS?? How is this possible?? Perhaps a briefing with my client would help you to understand this better?…*mumble mumble mumble*…No?! What?!” The phone hits the receiver. “Aaaaggh!” The dragon’s tail slices across the warrior’s face as he incurs his first wound.

“*mumble mumble mumble* Yes, I’ll check back in three months.” The phone drops to the receiver once again. “Arrrrgh!” The long fangs stick into the warrior’s back. The Rolodex flies off the desk and scatters on the floor.

The fury builds, the temperature rises – the warrior is wounded, but presses on. Alas, it is just another day in this epic war. The War on Wireless Journos that is. They shoot their flaming arrows, the beasts’ breath their fire, the hydras sink their teeth into the back of the warrior’s neck, yet he still seeks his holy grail of coverage.

“Hi, this is Alex Witherow with XYZ Inc. *mumble mumble* Oh, ok. Well perhaps you’d like to speak with our CEO? *mumble* Great! I’ll put you down for next week.” The choir of angels descends in jubilation. The darkness that once permeated the land disappears. The warrior raises his holy pen of pitching persuasion and gallops triumphantly out of his chambers.

“PHONE BATTLE VICTORY!” As the office door flies open. At this point, the other Fusionites have long gone back to work and are impervious to the resounding boom.

As the skies clear and the sun shines, another episode passes as the warrior emerges with his holy grail in these wireless wars only to rise again another day for a coming battle…